For Now

I don't remember much about my grandad.  He passed away when I was six or seven years old, so the memories that I have of him, though significant to me and emotionally charged, are fragmented and fuzzy at best.  I do remember sitting on his lap in church when I was very small, however.  My grandad was six and a half feet tall, so his was a bony, long lap that extended far beyond the hem of my dress.   It wasn't particularly comfortable, but I preferred it to the padded pew.  I liked the way he would tuck my cold hands under his to keep them warm during the sermon, his long, slender fingers like a heavy blanket.

No matter how hard I try, I can't see my grandad's face, but I can feel his smile, his approval, when I concentrate.  And though I can't hear his voice, I do remember knowing exactly what he expected of me and feeling secure in his love.  More than anything, I remember the way I felt when I was with him, cherished, protected, and preferred.

I do get frustrated sometimes at my inability to connect with this man that loved me so much.  I would love to have just a few hours with him so that I could fill the gaps in my memory, but that is impossible, at least for now.  So, for now I guess I'll be content with what I know of him and look forward to Heaven, where he waits for the rest of his family.

As much as I would love to be reunited with my grandad, I only think about him sometimes.  I was just a little girl when he went ahead.  My desire to finally see my Jesus face to face is so much more intense.  Scripture tells us that though we only see in part right now, someday, we will know in full, and that is exactly how I want to see Jesus, not as I do now, peering through the fuzzy and fragmented lens of human experience. 

I cannot even imagine the relief it will be to see with my own eyes the tender love in my Savior's when He looks at me, and  I can't begin to fathom the thrill it will be to finally hear His audible voice say my name after a lifetime of calling on His. The more I think about it, the harder it gets to wait, but I don't really have a choice.  For now, I guess I will stay the course, live for His approval, and rest in the knowledge that I am loved, protected, and preferred by the One who has gone to prepare a place for me.